Dying

Well, i'm sick readers. It's so bad. Guess what i got? Sore throat, flu, fever and seems that no much longer cough is gonna greet me and fill the emptiness of my holiday. Omg.! Never crossed my mind that i'll sick. I don't have idea somehow it could be like this. I think i often get sick on my holiday. How could be like this.

The sore throat and flu really tortured me last night until i can't got asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night. Got out from my room, run to downstairs and drank a mug of warm water. I still remember it was 1.25 am. But it didn't make me better. Oh shit.

I don't even dare to look at mirror of myself. How ugly i am now. The face of sleep less girl, the unhealthy impression.

How it ruins my holiday. Well, i got nothing to say anymore. Hope you guys would pray for me to get well soon. Yeah. This is the end. Bye and see you guys.

I'm dyinggggggggg

Wed,Thr,Fri & Sat

It was about 9 am on wednesday when i found another side of yours. It was the first time i ever saw you like that. I began to sulk about your unfriendly stare at me. But baby, you did nothing to seduce me. You keep busy reading that stupid old comics. Ya, keep behaving like that honey.

The next day. We still in a fight. And you still behaving like there is nothing happens. You got busy with your football team and left me alone at school. I kept my eyes on the school fence. Wishing you would come back soon from your match. That's your first football match. And i was not there to held up banner of your name and scream your name loudly like i used to do when your basketball match.

But you didn't come during my long wait. Until i decided to go home alone. Without your hand holding my hand crossing the road. Without your kiss and your caress on my hair. I miss when you said I LOVE YOU while waved your hand when i was about go home.

Friday didn't make any difference. When i was in a BIG trouble and need you a lot, you weren't there for me. I saw you laughed with your friends and your face was so shine when i was dying.

Well, you replaced me swept the class as you know i can't do it. Thanks for your help darling but that wasn't what i need. My sister could do it.

Then about saturday. You realized i had swollen eyes when others didn't. You asked me what's wrong with my eyes, acted like you care of me a lot. But you were so arrogant that you didn't even hold my hand. I'm glad we are in a group for the class concert although i knew, it was not your struggle.

You went home earlier than normally. You just asked for leave and say I LOVE YOU then you went so perfectly. Left me alone in the strange class.

In the afternoon you went to be a cool goal-keeper again. I didn't come to give you support. You won the match but i didn't give you a congratulatory as well.

Well darling, thanks for giving me the bad four last days at school, yeah. It's gonna make me miss you so damn much until i couldn't help myself anymore to meet you. What a great job.

Listen to me baby. You gotta realize what you have when i'm still yours. Before you lose everything.

However, i trust you and i could never stop forgiving you.

Love is about forgiving.!

Like the seasons, people change

Hey blog, when i'm feeling bad. You're the only place i can share everything in my mind. 

Well, i'm feeling so bad. I've just finished all exams for the last daily test in this even semester. So tired and i've been working so hard. Now is the time for me to take a rest. Tomorrow is the last day of school. I'm gonna have a holiday this monday and maybe for a week. Coz our seniors, the 3rd Senior High School student are going to have their national exam. Good luck for them. I hope all people could pass it well and no one would fail.

Not only physical, but my heart is tired too. I hope this is just a dream. Everything is not like this. But then, i realized it isn't. It really happened to me. Is it true that like the seasons, people change? But i'm wondering why? Is there anyone can tell me why? I can't find the answer. This depresses me a lot. I even dunno what should i do. I woke up in the morning then i thought about how to pass my day well everyday. Keep thinking the way to survive. But it always fail. I can't do anything.

Sigh. sigh and sigh.

I miss everything i've been through. That sweet memories. But memories are just memories. I'm standing alone here. No idea what should i do. I'm just can pray every night for God makes it better.

Bring "it" back

Today i did a little mistake. I don't think it's a mistake actually. But, yeah just a little remorse that it annoyed him. So, sorry. I didn't mean like that and didn't know it would annoy.

I should realize what i have now lest i lose everything and regret. I really know about it. Like i said, I didn't mean like that. I'm just trying to reveal the truth. Sometimes, honesty is hurt. But we have to accept it right? Better than we get a lie.

It's overcast here. And suddenly the rain falls down slowly. Almost always like this. Every time i remember about him (a person in my past) the cloud turns to gray. Like now. Even nature knows how's my feeling about him. Sadness, hopeless, untouchable, hurt, and losing. Or maybe it's just accidentally (try to be realistic). Who knows?

Do you ever feel what i felt? About how hard to forget a thing which is too sweet to be forgotten. A memory that will always saved inside your heart as an eternal secret. I guess everyone have it and can't forget it too. It doesn't mean you still have thought back to the past as well. So, i'm wondering if i was wrong or not.

Dunno anything. Just don't think about it anymore.

Recently remembered

This Pain

Whoaaa. Evidently holiday is not as exciting as i thought before. Well, it feels so boring here. Stay at home; just sit in front of this notebook doing things i even dunno for what. Keep rebloging photos in tumblr, changed tumblr appearance and anything else that useless just for wasting time. Okay, I don't wanna have a too long holiday. Rest for me has already enough. Don't let me be rusty at home for 11 days more.

So now, how..?? I need an exciting activity that can relieve boredom but not tiring.

Moreover now my head feels like wanna explode. Too many things in my mind. It's over limit. Totally sickening. I can't stand to be like this anymore. I lost many things because of it. I lost my smile, my mood, my laughter, my freedom.

Problems come without stop. Like punish me of every bad things i've ever done. I should fight and it doesn't let me to take a rest. I've been tired. Please let me relax just for a while. Can't you?

Yeah. I'm unfortunate girl. A stupid girl with all her dreams that will not come true. I should have known it. I shouldn't give a hope anymore. Now, it's so hurt. Here. This pity heart wanna shout out loudly "What an unfair life.!"

When? I'm wondering when i can go out from all of this and how long i should waiting? Huh? Waiting for the thing that doesn't clear. But i don't give up,right? I still keep waiting. But how much longer? I need a certainty.

Not only that. People around me are so annoying these days. Everyone seems ask me to make a quarrel. What the hell is this? I'm still sixteen(haven't seventeen). And i'm not strong enough to face all of this.

Please everything go back like before. Please don't change. Stay for me.

All this time i just forcing my laugh and faking my smile. I'm not okay. I hope someone knows it.

Outside smiling,inside crying (dying)

Brief Outpouring

   recent update on facebook:

► people who have taken your happiness, almost killed you because they took your soul away. am i still don't have the right to call them "evil"?
I'm not a vindictive person. I'm just not able to forgive.
(24 minutes ago)

► I repeat once again. all of you must pay for this all..!!
(18 hours ago)

► I am SYLVIANITA. I am a strong girl with my stubbornness. write it on your note. bold and underline it.!
(Thursday at 11:18pm)

► ♪ there's no time for tears. i'm just sitting here planning my revenge ♪
(Thursday at 11:12pm)

► You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day.! it will be damn cool. why don't you all give a try?
(Thursday at 10:52pm)

► see? what all of you have done to me? do you realize that you have destroyed the happiness of a poor little girl? i wonder if you all have a heart or not, if you have kindness even just a little or not. i don't have any idea. one conclusion i get is all of you don't have compassion with others.! how cruel you guys.!
do you think you still deserve to be forgiven after all you've done?
(Thursday at 10:47pm)

► If turned into good, does not matter. but if turn out worse.?? !?
Be careful to use mouth to promise. coz another heart will hurt. better shut up.!
(Thursday at 10:12pm)

► and here you're with your temper-again. well,~
♪ i'm sick and tired of your attitude. i'm feeling like i don't know you. you tell me that you love me then cut me down ♪
you should know "patience has limits too, honey".!
(Thursday at 9:20pm )

► I'll take back thing you've taken from me. you should know that it belongs to me and i will not allow anyone to take it from my side anymore.
i need time to give forgiveness.
(Thursday at 2:09pm)

► So you don't have to call anymore. I won't pick up the phone. This is the last straw. There's nothing left to beg for. And you can tell me that you're sorry. But I don't believe you, baby. Like I did before.
You're not sorry ♪♪
(December 14 at 10:23pm)

well, I think you can guess what happened to me. I don't know if this is wrong or not. if I had made a mistake or not to behave like this. for me, I did nothing wrong. but in the eyes of people? i don't know. no one understands me. I stand alone with this two legs. I've already tired.

but if the fact is i'm wrong, i wish God would realize me soon about it, open my heart to give forgiveness and make me forget everything.

a little girl with her hurt

bad news

it's cloudy. gray over here and over there. kinda chilly. i haven't seen my sun along this day. the weather today has explained everything. sadness, disappointment, hopeless, and every single thing that hurt our feelings.

i bring bad news, readers. from my stupid desire until my remedial. i'm totally bad. all people disappointed with the result. including me of course. this ain't fair. people who studied and didn't study got the same result. REMEDIAL. it's absurd. if we know the result's gonna be like this, we'll not study too. coz just the same, right? wanna add something. i don't agree about checking exam with computer system. we have to circle the answers blackly. if there are several answers that aren't too black and computer can't detected it, computer will not count that number as true although your answer is true. see? not effective although it's modern and sophisticated but it's detrimental to students.

remedial waste my time and also reduce my holiday. makes me scolded by my parents is the worst. damn!

fortunately, i have someone who always support me and cheer me up. he's an angel. so kind, helpful and the most touching is he never angry with me all this time. he makes me stronger. yeah. he's a great boyfriend. and he's mine ♥ should be grateful for this :')

i've already depressed. now remedial add more burden to me again. i remember this song lyric. 

"God will make a way, where there seems to be no way"

but where is the way out for me? where is the guidance from God?

disappointed

short farewell

i'm going to have my semester exam on monday. the exam lasted for a week. this weekend is my last time to relax. even from today i have to study for preparing the exam.

start from tomorrow noon, i'm gonna off from all my online activities. tumblr-ing, blog-ing, facebook-ing and all things i usually do. i have to focusing myself. mommy would not allow me to plays laptop too. no need to ask her anymore. i've got the answer by myself.

so perhaps this is my last post for this week and next week at once. i'm gonna miss you readers :(

wish i could pass the exam well and got satisfying result. amen. help me by pray yeah. thanks :)

after exam finished is already holiday. there are two mix feeling in my heart. i'm glad cz will not get stress of busy school activities and christmas is coming. it's my happy time. i always rejoices when it comes and brings along peace, happiness and new spirit for me. i just can't wait the warm christmas eve. dear santa, please visit my house although my house doesn't has chimney XD hohoho ♫♫♫

after christmas. we'll have new year. wohooooo. so wait new year comes. wait my first year anniversary exactly. 2 january. waiting ♥

but in the other hand i'm sad can't meet all my friends for approximately one month. can't laughing together, playing jokes and making crazy for temporarily time. i'll miss my class surely. badly.

well, i hate to say this. we're going to have short farewell. goodbye readers. see ya next two weeks. love you :* BIG~HUG ♥

tumblr's post = click here to view

my last post :')

my land's crying

deep condolences for our country.

so many disasters happened recently. be blessed, indonesia.

keep praying for mentawai and mount merapi victims. wish all the best and everything's gonna be okay soon.

all we like sheep have gone astray. each of us turning our own separate way. we have all sinned and fallen short of Your Glory. but Your Glory is what we desire to see and in Your presence is where we long to be, Oh Lord, show us Your mercy and grace, take us to Your holy place. forgive our sin and HEAL OUR LAND. we long to live, in Your presence once again...

dear God, listen to our prays. forgive our sins and HEAL OUR LAND.

Amen.

indonesia grieving

T________________T

it's terrible today. i'm not in a good mood. all make me angry today. see the pic above? my bracelet confiscated by the BP. it happened this morning when i came to school. my sister has reminded me that seems there are BP(s) on the field. but i didn't hear her. sokkreak*

it was right. so many BP(s) there. then...... you know the what happened next. T______________T

one thing that really make me angry (sad) more than my bracelet. i don't want to discuss it here. i almost can't control myself. i don't ever think "(?)" can behaved like this to me. maybe i've misjudged "(?)". i'm so fool to trust person like "(?)". regret.

i felt so disappointed. "(?)" has changed. "(?)" is not like the person i know all this time.

luckily, i have Augusto. he's one of my close friend. beside valens, they are the two boys who i trust most and yes, they're my bestfriend.

augusto made me calmer. eventhough he can not change my mind. i know i'm right. my eyes saw the fact.

whatever. meaningless too discuss about this. just hurt my heart more and more.

i hold on auguto's advise.

Matius 5:44 " but I told you: love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you"

Amen.

YOU'll never guess how i hate you now!

last night dream

hey bloggers. how's your halloween? i think it should be pleasant :)

mommy just backed from buying new soft lens for me. my lens was torn yesterday. maybe coz my long nails or i was not carefully when cleaned it. that's why i used glasses to school yesterday. many people can't recognized me. they surprised i used glasses. they teased me that there was a new student yesterday. haha

it's rainy days here. kinda chilly. don't know if this caused my dream last night or not. you'll never guess what's my dream. and i think i no need to tell you what's it exactly. the point is. that dream brought me to my past and started a flashback. i told harris after woke up. he said that i don't need to think about it. i listen to him. but feels like i can't stop thinking. moreover in the weather like this. cloudy. this weather saves so many memories and relate with him. if weather like this comes, it always brings that memories come to me too.

eventhough like that.

i love today's weather. really love it. since i known HIM.

weather full of memories

alone

i'm alone here. nobody's at home. mommy went to brastagi in the early of this morning. when i woke up, i didn't find mom anymore. mommy always wakes me up every morning. coz i can't wake up by using alarm. but this morning i must wake up using alarm. mommy's so worry we can't wake up and late to go to school or even can't go to school coz too late. so, she called home to make sure that we have woken up.

she went to brastagi to join the gathering of 1000 biksu over world that come to one of the temple in there.

without mom feels like my life's so messy. no one take care of me and this house. i have to open rantang, wash the dish after lunch and tidy my bed by myself. Omg! i don't do this usually. i need mom so much. and i miss her :( eventhough she go for just a day. but i have missed her. miss her nags too. i'm so spoiled. must be maturer. must! hehe

but i'm so lonely. sister has lab at school. so she will come back from school at the afternoon. alone. alone and alone. how sad. lunch alone, doing all things alone. 

plus that i'm confuse now. which place i'll go to celebrate halloween. my friend has invited me but eventhough i haven't asked permission from dad to go, i have known the answer. it'll be definitely NO :(

i don't wanna stay at home on the halloween. so pity :( 

comic, comic and comic. i'm reading comics again. wohooooo. alone at home reading comic while listening to music and napping. haha

life's still good eventhough alone at home :)

without mom :(

nyam-nyam ♥

mommy and stefanie went for monthly shopping. yeah. every month mom is always go shopping to buy household things.

then,my sister bought so many snacks. one of them is nyam-nyam. well, nyam-nyam is such a snack for kid. people who eat it are usually kids. i laughed when i saw nyam-nyam pack in my room. she bought a BIG pack of nyam-nyam. not just two or three. she's a bit crazy,right? LOL

i like to eat nyam-nyam. since i was a kid untill now. i love all things related with chocolate ♥

i was still flu actually. after finished computer lab at school, i saw Willy bought a drink. seemed so yummy and fresh. i wanna bought it too. but harris disallowed me. he said that i was still flu and may not drink ice or cold drinks :(

then, is it okay if i eat nyam-nyam? wanna eat it :( eat one is not very influential i think :p 

i ♥ chocolate

get well soon

i was so sad. my friend, Valens was sick :'( he didn't go to school today. seems that he got symptoms of typhus. and he is going to has treatment in Jakarta. maybe he could come back to school on monday.

i pray to God for him. readers, do you mind to pray for him too? thanks for your sincerity :)

get well soon, palenn. class is not fun without you :(

we miss you...

good luck :)

TUESDAY

well, i really hate TUESDAY. i hate all my days. you know? the lessons on tuesday is so sucks. the first-second lesson is chemistry, then math, two lesson of physics, Hua Yi, the last biology. and tomorrow is tuesday. oh gosh. i could be crazy if this continuous.

to be honest, i regret enter science class. i don't have any interest in science. yuck. i have made wrong decision. i saw my friends in social class is so pleasant :(

moreover, when enter the college i'm not going to take science direction. i'm NOT at all. i probably will take english literature or law direction to be a lawyer. see? so useless.

i wish i could go back and knock my head to make me realize that i was wrong and i'd better not choose science. but it just a WISH :(

alright, it's enough to hear my nagging. i'm sorry readers.

thanks for reading ♥ :* 

regret always comes later :(

1st love

Once in a while 
You are in my mind 
I think about the days that we had 
And i dream that these would all come back to me 
If only you knew every moment in time 
Nothing goes on in my heart 
Just like your memories 
How I want here to be with you 
Once more 

You will always gonna be the one 
And you should know 
How I wish I could have never let you go 
Come into my life again 
Oh, don't say no 
You will always gonna be the one in my life 
So true, I believe i can never find 
Somebody like you 
my first love 

Once in awhile 
Your are in my dreams 
I can feel the warmth of your embrace 
And I pray that it will all come back to me 
If only you knew every moment in time 
Nothing goes on in my heart 
Just like your memories 
And how I want here to be with you 
Once more  

You will always be inside my heart 
And you should know 
How I wish I could have never let you go 
Come into my life again 
Please don't say no 
Now and forever you are still the one 
In my heart 
So true, I believe I could never find 
Somebody like you 
My first love   

You will always gonna be the one 
And you should know 
How I wish I could have never let you go 
Come into my life again 
Oh, don't say no 
You will always gonna be the one 
So true, I believe I could never find 
Now and forever

♥♥♥♥ 

how precious 1st love for me. but it has passed. there is no "once more". and yes, "How I wish I could have never let you go" at that time :'( now, please don't let me live with all our sweet memories. let me start my new life. and you too.

My favourite

Hello readers :)

i changed my music on my tumblr. i just remembered this song. we often find this song on a wedding party. yeah. it's first love by Utada Hikaru.

FIRST LOVE

oh gosh. i'm so in ♡ with this music. make me wanna play piano like that. Raynaldo and Augusto teach me how to play piano, please :p LOL joke. i wanna play guitar. not piano. hehe

well, all songs that i love normally are touching or romantic song. my friend said it's so boring and my boyfriend said how can i be a cheerful girl if i always love things that nuanced sadness. from movies, novels until songs. i don't really know why. but i'm so in love with something like that. things that can lead my feeling, can make me cry and touch my heart :')

so, this is the video. check this out yeah.

i choose the instrumental one. it's quieter. i don't know whether you like slow and easy-listening music or not. but me. TOTALLY. haha

enjoy, darling ♥

and, welcome weekend. yeay. it's my turn to have fun. escape from the sucks lessons at the school that drove me crazy =="

whatever. it's not time to care about that depressed things.

let's have fun. enjoy your weekend too, readers :)

Godblessyou ♥ 

I'm not me anymore

I had insomnia last night. I was so messy and chaotic. I can't imagine how i look like now. I'm not even dare to see mirror. This is not me at all. Yeah. Something in my mind has driven me crazy. Totally! I can't do anything right. I can't sleep-eat-smile and all thing i used to. I'm just keep thinking about unimportant things in my mind. You know? Thinking without knowing what and why we're thinking about.

I told all to some of my friends. They gave me opinions and suggestions. But none of them really understand me. I'm hopeless and don't know what should i do anymore. Then i saw my diary book on my desk. I start to write there. I felt better after writing. Whooooow. Like magic. Ridicules! :/ But it's really. Write diary can make you calmer. Coz you can write anything and tell everything there. I ♥ my diary.

This world isn't mine. Isn't the place for me. I wanna run away from here. Leave all.

Another hopeless girl

Another F*ck Day!

I don't want sit there anymore. NO WAY!!!!! If the teacher doesn't want to move me. It's better i don't go to school anymore. I'll ask my mommy to tell the teacher like that! I don't care!! I can't sit there anymore. So like hell. It's okay if i sit behind. At least i sit with joyanti or grace or whoever.

Now what else?? Mom called me just now. Seems that i know for what. =.=

Well, I have just gone back from school for lab. I found my living room was so messy. Full of Idul Fitri parcels. It's about 20 parcels. One parcel fill with two bottle of marquisa, one tin of biscuits, four cans drinks and some cookies snacks. My daddy will give that parcels to his muslim workers.

I think mommy called me to order me to help her arrange the parcels. No doubt! 

Am so tired. :( But I have no choice. Rather than hear my mom's nag. =.=

Oh yeah, :'( Mom bought new shoes. One pair of heels for her and one pair of shoes for my sister. But mine none. T.T

I have to go downstairs now. See you readers. Thanks for read my story. =)

Bye ♥ 

sick.. :(

Finally i can blogging again..I was sick so that it made me hard to wake up..I have too lying on the bed whole day..Oh my God..What's on earth??? It's really get on my nerves..I can't do anything.. :(

But now i have getting better..It's coz support from my family,my dearest friends and specially from my lovely harris..Thanks a lot guys...Love you all...

Anyway,I want to share about my feelings just know..I was so confuse with NT..Exactly i was confuse with myself..Why i have to hate her?? She never done any mistake with me..She doesn't know me too..*I think*..So what's the matter?? Why?? Why?? and Why?? My brain keep thinking but never get the answer..The only one rational answer is I'm jealous with her..Not because she has all that i want or she is better than me..But i'm jealous because she is the one who sit in the higher place than me for something..Yeah..Maybe it's the reason..

I don't want to hate anyone..I'll try to like her..I hope she will like me too..